Love is a cease-fire that’s destined to fail.
No, not cynical. Just..realistic. No room for fantasies right now. Get your head screwed on straight. Stop wearing your heart on your sleeve.
“That’s why they call ‘em crushes. If they were easy, they’d call ‘em something else.”
This relationship is more toxic for me than it is for you, but I’m at a point wherein I’ve realized that I’d rather have you in my life than not at all. So no matter how much this is killing me, I suppress my feelings.
When did it get so complicated?
I was once told by a very wise woman that things will get better. It’s been two years since that day and things - life - is more fucked up than it ever was. At least back then, I had him to cry to. Now, I’m forced to isolate myself and cry my eyes out.
Sometimes, I wonder if I had to trade him in for a better set of friends. Seems like when I lost him, I gained friends and built friendships that could last a lifetime. I wonder if it would have been healthier if I had a relationship with him that lasted forever rather than lifetime friendships with these people.
This feels better, though. Less selfish, less confined, and less stressful. But they will never be able to give me the happiness that I had when I was with him. No memory with them will be more important than my memories with him. None of their words could comfort me as much as his could. See, I can never win in this situation. I’ll always want him, yet never need him as much as I need them. At the end of the day, I’d rather have friendships with these people and not be with him than have a relationship with him and not have them.
I always thought he loved me for who I am, but I think he only loved me for who I WAS, not who I would turn out to be. These people, though - my friends - they love me for who I was, who I am, and for who I will turn out to be. At least I’d like to believe that.
Forgiveness is giving up the right to hurt someone back. I guess I haven’t forgiven you yet.
Can’t believe I felt this way at one point in time. I seemed so cynical, angsty and..lonely. I’m glad I’m out of that dark place, and I have my friends to thank. :) I love you. You know who you are. :)
P.S. I take back everything in the second paragraph of the second part, except the first, second and last sentence.